I was never someone who connects easily with others. Few people have interested me and I find really hard to find someone with whom to connect in a deeper level, someone that I can talk about anything, who makes me laugh, who's got a witty (and sometimes sarcastic) kind of humor. When someone like that finally appears, I do not measure efforts to be with that person. In my mind and heart there are no obstacles to keep me from being with that hard to come by special person.
Being an old fashioned romantic, I'm predisposed to overcome lots of
seemingly difficult obstacles in the name of love and I have no problem
in being the only one making the effort when the other person is
incapable of for whatever reason. Sometimes it does not come out as
planned, but other times it is better than expected. All I know is that I'm
willing to take the next step, to put myself out there and make all the
effort necessary for things to work out for the best. I have always been self-giving with my friends, it's no wonder I would go even further out for that special someone.
Love life for a single women in her late thirties is already difficult, for a gay woman it seems to be even harder. The stereotype of a lesbian relationship is that the women involved move in together on the second date. Of course, just like all stereotypes it's not that accurate, but in this case it's also not so far from the truth. What I mean is: as a group we women tend to want long term relationships and we dream of marriage/living together. So, it's only natural that when two women come together, that next step is taken a bit faster than with a guy. What makes things even trickier for a single lesbian in her late 30's is that most women in this age group are already in a committed relationship. But why am I saying all this? It's just another way of illustrating the difficulties of "Singletonshire" for women over 30.
It is very easy to start wondering if you're the last single person on Earth when all your friends are either married or in long-term relationships. Of course, it doesn't make things easier to have friends and family asking those dreadful questions such as "how's love life?", or making those even worse comparisons "you know Jane Doe was in the same situation as you and found her other half in the supermarket aisle". What about those comments about "a friend" who's in her late thirties and haven't got married yet that come with the sentence (and it's variations) "she's our age but she's still single, there must be something wrong with her." With pressure from family and friends who have already found their "someone", you might even get caught up in the terrible thought that something may be wrong with you when you know, in fact, that there isn't. It's just life.
It is very easy to start wondering if you're the last single person on Earth when all your friends are either married or in long-term relationships. Of course, it doesn't make things easier to have friends and family asking those dreadful questions such as "how's love life?", or making those even worse comparisons "you know Jane Doe was in the same situation as you and found her other half in the supermarket aisle". What about those comments about "a friend" who's in her late thirties and haven't got married yet that come with the sentence (and it's variations) "she's our age but she's still single, there must be something wrong with her." With pressure from family and friends who have already found their "someone", you might even get caught up in the terrible thought that something may be wrong with you when you know, in fact, that there isn't. It's just life.
As I navigate these waters, I find that the size of the difficulties are just as big as we make them. For some the geographic distance seems impossible, a huge deal, for others it can be an exciting challenge. But these "difficulties" are only as big and heavy as the size and weight we put on them. If you finally found someone with whom you feel good with, shouldn't you just take the next step and allow yourself to experience what could be the relationship you were always looking for?
Remember teenage years? It used to be so easy to find someone and let that new person in, but life was much simpler. We were still figuring out who we were. Near my forties, I feel like the older we get, the more of a world we become with our ways, likes and dislikes. It's difficult to open up completely to someone and let them into our world, our private space, so we focus on small "setbacks" instead of looking to the big picture. Seriously, take time to really think about the big picture and you will see that these "difficulties" are, actually, tiny.
Finding someone with whom to really connect is hard enough and we shouldn't create even more obstacles in our minds when we finally meet the person who will interest both our mind and heart. We shouldn't create even more difficulties to keep us from being with that special someone. In our late thirties we all have had good and bad experiences, easy and difficult closures, we all have scars, anxieties, fears. All things that can block us from finding happiness with someone new. But we also have lots of love, tenderness, and kindness to share with that one person who will bring a smile to our days, who will make our days even better. We are all longing for a chance to love and to be loved. So, why do we create stupid obstacles? We are not teenagers anymore which means that only physical attraction does not suffice, sometimes it comes after you got to know someone better instead of being the first thing that pops out when meet them.
Finding someone with whom to really connect is hard enough and we shouldn't create even more obstacles in our minds when we finally meet the person who will interest both our mind and heart. We shouldn't create even more difficulties to keep us from being with that special someone. In our late thirties we all have had good and bad experiences, easy and difficult closures, we all have scars, anxieties, fears. All things that can block us from finding happiness with someone new. But we also have lots of love, tenderness, and kindness to share with that one person who will bring a smile to our days, who will make our days even better. We are all longing for a chance to love and to be loved. So, why do we create stupid obstacles? We are not teenagers anymore which means that only physical attraction does not suffice, sometimes it comes after you got to know someone better instead of being the first thing that pops out when meet them.
Bottom line is: why don't we just allow ourselves to follow our hearts, take all those self-created obstacles out of the way and embrace the opportunity to be happy? What are we waiting for? Life rarely (if ever!) brings us exactly what we are looking for, so why do we keep on looking for someone who will fit perfectly the image we made of our ideal partner? Remember, none of us is perfect and we never will be. As hard as it is for a single woman approaching forty, I still have the strength to face the prejudice and the hardship of being alone in an age group where everyone else seems to come in pairs, and I will keep navigating the streets of Singletonshire with an open heart, ready to follow it as soon as butterflies start to tickle my stomach.
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PS: To all those "happily married/living together/in a long-term relationship reading this, do us singles a favor and stop asking when we will settle down with someone. These things do not depend on only one person. If one doesn't want it, two don't get together, or have you forgotten all your years of being single just because you found someone earlier than we did? ;)
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| Bridget Jones' Diary - Universal Studios 2001 |
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PS: To all those "happily married/living together/in a long-term relationship reading this, do us singles a favor and stop asking when we will settle down with someone. These things do not depend on only one person. If one doesn't want it, two don't get together, or have you forgotten all your years of being single just because you found someone earlier than we did? ;)
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