It's been almost 4 years since I last wrote here, and then suddenly I felt an urge to do so. So many things have happened since my last post. In a summary, lots of losses, painful losses and lots of learning.
In 2021 I lost the most important person in my life, my ground, my heart. My dad was the most incredible human being I have ever met. He came into this world to help not only those around him but those that didn't even know he existed. He worked behind the scenes for the improvement of the public health systems in Brazil. His contributions to public health are countless. He was a great mind! But I didn't come here to talk about him, at least, not yet.
The purpose of this text is more to think about all that the universe brings us, how it affects our lives and sometimes, the reasons behind it.
Recently, a being of light came into my life and it is as if that person catapulted the start of my self-journey, my "inner healing". Thanks to this person and the connection we have, a few months ago I started going deep into my own being. I'm working not only on my mind, but on my body and on my spirit. Since starting this journey, so many things started to click inside, to make sense. A lot of past memories from childhood to adulthood have started to come to the surface, coming to consciousness and it seems that the dots started to come together about how I have always felt about myself, how I react to life, how I relate to others in all types of relationships. My interest in books has resurfaced, I have decided to give learning to play the guitar another chance, I have started some courses about attachment styles (and started working on my way to a secure attachment style), I started to meditate, to read books on spirituality, to look inside and discard old patterns and behaviors that do not serve me anymore, and started to care more for my soul.
Even though we're not together and despite the pain of the separation, I will always be grateful for this woman for she has opened a door inside of my heart, a door to healing, change and rebirth. I begin to understand that maybe that was the reason she came into my life.
I now understand the reason behind being "stuck" in Brazil for almost two years during the pandemic. Of course, Covid affected everyone, but in my personal journey, it's now clear what it brought me. For all those 20 months, I fought against the situation, I wanted to come back home, I created so much resistance. I was stubborn without the capacity to realize what was right in front of me. It took me a few months to process it all after I was back home. The way the pandemic affected me personally was by giving me the privilege of staying with my dad, daily, with what ended up by being his last 2 years on this planet.
This has been a very interesting journey. It's still very soon in the process, and the way is limitless, but I have learned so much so far. I've been able to forgive things that I thought would be unforgivable, I'm letting go of labels that have interfered with my life for so long, I'm no longer feeling any neediness, clinginess or the need to chase anything nor anyone. I am learning to pay more attention to here and now, to value myself, and to remove negative thoughts on a daily basis. I feel more love than ever, for myself, for everyone in my life, for the planet. I’m finally leaving the kitten behind and starting to see myself as the lion I always have been.
I know this is not a very long, nor very deep text, however, I felt the need to put it out there. Maybe it can, somehow, help someone else to begin their own journey.
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