WTF?!

Have you ever watched Friends? The episode where Monica says "I don't have a plan. Phoebe, do you have a plan?" and she replies "I don't even have a pl...". I'm Phoebe. 

All I ever wanted was to work in the Theater, never had a plan B. After 18 years, it ended up not working out. That's ok, that's life. 

Things changed, I moved abroad, life seemed to be finally opening up. My kids came into my life, which is the greatest gift of all times, even if challenging sometimes. The pandemic hit. I got stranded abroad for almost two years with 2 month old twins. I lost my dad to a horrible illness that removed him from our lives before he was physically gone. Pressure from work continued on through out all this. Then, my dad was really gone. I crumbled. I wasn't able to do anything well. I was not functioning at all.

Alone with my, then 23 month-old babies, I did my best to keep up with work, life, house, everything, but the only thing I did well was looking after my kids. I had burned out.

I decided to concentrate all my attention on my kids and get well. I worked hard on getting out of that "stinky" place of anxiety, depression and burnout to be here, present, alive, happy for my kids and my own sake. 

I managed to dig myself up and get back to my happy self and it was time to get back on the job market. I imagined that with my work experience, education, qualifications and referrals, I would be able to find a job relatively fast. Now I see how naive I was. 

My naiveté was not based in the job market, but in the referrals. If I tell someone they can list me as a referral it's because I really believe in them, that means that I would definitely give them a chance if I'm ever in the position to. However, this is not how things have worked out. Those who could have given  me a chance, didn't. 

Frustration, that sums it up. I do not know where things went wrong, why I'm in the spot I am for such a long time. I am educated, capable, intelligent, hard worker, always open to learn (and a fast learner, I may add). Still, doors remain closed.

I never had a long term plan for my life, but I also never expected to be in my late 40's unemployed. I have done everything that's expected of someone in the 21st Century: resume adaptations, job fairs, networking, AI, diversify the field, certifications, recruitment agencies, all the works.

It's come to a point where I will need to reinvent myself, whatever that means. I just have no idea how nor which direction to go. Everything I've tried so far failed. I feel completely lost and I cannot afford to be lost, with two 6 year-old to care for.

I guess, I might be in need of a miracle. If those exist...

To those who could have given me a chance and chose not to, I wish you never go through the situation I am in, but if you do, I hope you're also not giving a chance by those you trusted. Yes, I am angry, I am human after all.