Closure

Closure:
the state of experiencing an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event.

Have you ever heard of people that have unfinished emotions in relationships? Well, I have, many times. Not only have I heard, but experienced it.

Sometimes what we feel for someone is so strong, or deeply rooted inside that it's difficult to completely let go of it. If the experience lived was somehow hard and complicated, some people are able to move on right away, others will feel as if their hearts were closed. It can take time to heal. Hours become days, days become months, and maybe, months will turn into years.

We never really know what's going to make us have the feeling of closure because usually we don't even realize that we need it. Since we keep on going with life, working, having coffee with friends, running the everyday errands, most of the time we can't see that our hearts are still closed. The brain might say otherwise, but it doesn't control our hearts and if our hearts feel closed, they need their own time to re-open.

Time heals everything, that's true, but sometimes it takes too long. Little by little your heart starts to open again and light is finally allowed in. Other times, this process is already taking place but very slowly and then, suddenly, you feel lighter and happier. It could have been from a dream that gave you the sense of closure, it could be from writing down all your deepest feelings, it could be from a friendship born from the love that once existed between the two people involved.

The fact is that, when your heart finally gets the closure it was waiting for, you feel lighter, happier, and free. Life's colors become more vivid, daily tasks are easier, nature's splendor is restored to its full beauty, and you're finally able to get completely rid of the bad memories and keep only the good ones. Life is once again, complete.

Let's welcome this feeling, embrace it, and feel lighter knowing that happiness has, once again, opened its doors to us.

Image: Shawshank Redemption - Castle Rock Entertainment - 1994

Life is but a cycle

My grandfather used to say that life is but a cycle, with nothing before or after, only the here and now. He was a very practical and wise person. Maybe he was right or perhaps he was wrong and we'll see each other again someday. That's what I believe in.

Last Thursday it was my Grandma's time to meet those loved ones who already crossed the road.

My grandmother was an amazing woman. She challenged the conventions of her youth's time sneaking out to go play volleyball hidden from my grandfather. But she was also a strong example of her generation. She loved her two daughters with all her heart. She struggled to give them the best education. She loved her four granddaughters with the same strength and devotion. She became a great-grandmother with the same dedication, even from afar. She took care of everyone around her. Whenever someone came to her for help, there she was with arms (and doors) open. There was no lack of love. Never. It was possible to see it in her eyes.

My grandmother was fragrant. She left the bathroom and the whole house stayed perfumed. Her skin held the scent so strongly like I never saw in anyone else. And her amazing perfume hung in the air for hours.

She loved gardening, knitted the most beautiful sweaters and jackets, made the best "streusel cakes".

Whenever we went to spend the summer with her, we were greeted with the most genuine smile and a house full of delights: chocolate bars, pasta, cookies, lasagnas, pies biscuits, and a freezer full of ice cream, everything made by her . Her delights were so disputed that, at dessert time, due to the fight over the size of the slices, my grandfather got annoyed and said to "bring the measuring tape," so that there wouldn't be any difference between the slices.

In winter, when we it was only the two of us and we were already cozy in our warm beds, she used to ask me with a mischievous look: "How about some pudding?", And went down stairs to prepare the delight in the cold kitchen.

The mischievous look was always there when it came to desserts or gifts she was preparing to someone. As well as biting the tip of her tongue. Trademarks of my grandma.

She didn't like watermelons. She grew up with stories that watermelon kills people, and so she didn't eat it. After years married to a German guy who loved watermelons, and seeing all of us eating it in the backyard during the hot summer afternoons, she was still unwilling to even try. She didn't like melted ice cream. If it was just beginning to melt, she already thought it was too soft.

She loved coffee with milk and bread. She reveled in a slice of bread with butter and honey, and a cup of coffee with hot milk. Yes, it had to be very hot. She had a very sweet tooth: she loved pies, desserts, chocolate bars (which she ate gnawing like a bunny).

On cold winter mornings, she would open the windows and let the cold air in to ventilate the house. She put pillows and blankets in the sun and went down stairs to prepare breakfast. Only after everything was ready she would come to wake me up. When I said that she didn't need to pamper me like that, she replied that grandmas are made to pamper their grandchildren and said, "I am your mom made of sugar."

When, on my fifteenth birthday, I came back from a trip bringing in the suitcase a stuffed dog wearing an overall, she liked it so much that I ended up giving the dog to her as a gift. Until then, I had never seen her take an interest in stuffed animals. Many years later, she would have several.

She was always singing. One of her greatest passions: music. She had a beautiful voice that graced all who had the privilege of listening to her. She loved Pavarotti and got emotional with his interpretations.

She loved the Italian characters interpreted by the actor Raul Cortez.

Later in life she had her precious memories stolen, taken against her will. She went back to being a child: she loved dolls and stuffed animals. She continued to revel in desserts and coffee with milk for some time. Her passion, the music, was the last thing to leave her. She didn't know the lyrics anymore, but for some time she still recognized the melodies. Gradually everything went away. She didn't deserve it. She was endearing to the end, even in her world without memories. But forgetting us or not, I know very well who she was and she'll always remain in my heart. She deserved all the affection, love and respect with which she treated all who crossed her path.

Now she's free. Freed from the fetters of time, from oblivion, from pain. She can finally rest from her years in "blank".

Here remain her lessons of life, kindness, love. With her I learned to appreciate the little things in life, the delicacy of nature, to see happiness in small things. I learned the true meaning of joy every day, of support and respect for others.

During her stay in this world, she made it better, prettier, cozier. The cycle is closed. And what a wonderful cycle it was.

Thank you, grandma, for all the love you gave. For all the warmth that you always showed. For all the care you had with those you loved. Your love made all of us better people.

Now fly, fly free and happy. Meet again your German, your brothers and friends, your parents. You shall always be present in our hearts

Be at peace, my mommy made of sugar, be at peace.

The "Bridget Jones' moments" saga

Bridget Jones Diary - Universal Pictures, 2001

"Why is that so many unmarried women in their 30s these days, Bridget?"   

     Lately I have been living many "Bridget Jones" moments, with the difference that I'm already older than she is in the first book, which only makes these moments even  more awkward. One of these days, someone who recently met me (and with whom I never had any conversation about my private life) suddenly asked: "so, the reason you're single is because you only met bad people in your life?". Let's be clear: the question was solely based on the fact that I'm 37years old, single and without kids (because in the person's way of thinking, somehow, having kids means you found someone "good" at some point. Aham...). Without giving much consideration to the reply since I was caught off guard and I couldn't believe my ears, my immediate response was "no, that's not it". Was this this question for real?

     The days passed and I kept wondering why do people assume that if you're single is because you only met jerks? It made me think about the few people in my life with whom I had a relationship and I'm glad to say that I have been, basically, "jerk free". I haven't had many relationships in life: only two short lived and two that lasted for some years. Of course all of them had their ups and downs, but all of them left good memories, even the most difficult of them had good moments and those are the ones worth cherishing.

     Everyone has their own issues, I certainly have mine. Relationships have their own issues, and it's only natural to try to work them out. Some are easier, some are harder; over time, some can become easier, others more difficult, that's just how life is. I would never blame the other part for being single in my late 30s. 

     I had two wonderful relationships, if none of them progress further and end up in marriage is because it was not the right moment, but it never meant that it was because the other person was bad. Relationships are two way streets and I was lucky to meet some incredible and unforgettable people that will be forever in my heart. 

     So, my answer for that weird question is: I'm single because I am. Life doesn't always happens according to our plans, more often than not it's exactly the opposite, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy. My happiness is not conditioned to being in a relationship, but in being in peace with who I am. And, if someday, someone comes along and the relationship progresses to marriage and family, yes, it will be nice, but it will not be "the" sole factor of happiness in my life, it will simply be an addition to what is already good.

 

Bridget Jones Edge of Reason - Universal Pictures, 2004

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xqcdfv_smug-married-couples-from-bridget-jones-s-diary-2001_shortfilms

Christmas

     Say what you want, but I love Christmas traditions. Decorations in every corner of the house, special menu and the happiness of assembling the pine tree. Yes, I love it all!
   

 As a child Christmas was at Grandma's house in southern Brazil. For me it was more than Christmas, it was magic. The tree in the corner of the room seemed the biggest and most beautiful that existed! And although we did not have that traditional supper, the night's menu was different. Delights especially made ​​for the occasion spread across the table. It was so nice to see the face of my grandpa lit by the candles on the pine tree and the love he felt for the women in his life: my grandmother, mother, aunt , and we, the four granddaughters. It was a special day: we played in the street with the other neighborhood children, a day to sleep late (or at least later than usual), the expectation about the beautifully wrapped packets awaiting us. Not even the heat of summer nights in Rio Grande do Sul took away the magic of what was, for me, the best night of the year.

A special menu even if just for one.

     My whole life I dreamed that one day I would have my whole house decorated, like in a movie, and, if possible, snow outside the window. Yes, always dreamed of those movie kind of Christmas. This year I will have the first white Christmas of my life. Very white! On the balcony of the bedroom there's more than 60cm of snow and even if no more falls over until the 24th, it won't melt, Christmas will be white, white!
     The house is not yet fully decorated like in my dreams, not for lack of wanting... but the tree is here, making me smile. On the day I left to buy a pine tree, I was going back home bringing in the cart a living small tree when snow started to fall. The first snow of this winter. A smile spread across my face. I can not even explain the satisfaction of carrying the greatest symbol of Christmas (at least for me) under the beautiful snow fall. It seemed that it made all the ​​sense in the world!
     I know it may sound silly to many, but each of us have our own dreams and their importance is personal. My dream Christmas is still a little heat inside the house, with many smiles and hugs, a table full of special treats made ​​for a special day, a house fully decorated, a big beautiful Christmas tree and a very white world  outside the windows.

Winter preparations

Coming from a tropical country, I had no idea that people prepared for winter. As you all know, I spent a year in Berlin, a city that is said to have a terrible winter for tropical standards. But there the season was less intense and definitely less white.

A few weeks ago I began to notice differences in the landscape of Montreal. People were getting ready for the snow that will inevitably come at some point. I have not seen such preparations in Berlin. Maybe because the incidence of snow is lower, but the fact is that the only difference I saw there was people changing normal tires for winter tires and fountains being covered by wooden fences. Here in Montreal is different.
I live in a good residential area with many houses and buildings with only three apartments. Maybe that's why it was easier to observe people's behavior during the change from summer to autumn, and now for the winter. One day, walking down the street, I realized that a house had a kind of a white tent coming out of the driveway. Later I learned it's called a temporary winter garage. I found it strange. On the following weekend almost all houses and buildings had these same garages. The funny things are the basement apartments, the apartment entrance is surrounded by a tent and it seems that you are entering into a scenario of movies like "Outbreak ". Plants are protected, stairs receive rubber flooring, handrails and floors of balconies are exchanged and where they didn't exist, placed.
     When the snow finally shows up, it's possible to perceives other things. In buildings, each person is responsible for snow removal on their own balcony and in the public areas the responsibility lays on the person in charge of the building (i.e. the landlord). In houses, of course, each one deals with snow as they like. In front of my bedroom window there's a beautiful house where an old couple lives. Everyday that snows a red car arrives around 9:00, and from it comes out a guy "armed" with shovel, broom and a type of wheelbarrow made ​​especially for snow. He cleans the house entrance, the path to the sidewalk, the garage, shakes the top of the temporary winter garage and cleans the exit from the garage to the street. Then he drives away.
I never saw him talking to the home owners, I think he is a person hired to do this service for those who are tired of doing it for many years.
      So far I have not seen a difference in the behavior of Montrealers simply because the season has changed, as it's visible in Berlin. Here, there is no seasonal bipolarity. I keep seeing the smiles on the streets, happy people tidying up gardens, doors and windows for Christmas, and kids jumping at each and every mound of snow that appears on their way. Neighbors greet each other, play, laugh out loud and share coffee while removing snow from the front of their homes. On the streets, pedestrians look at each other and laugh because they are only with their faces uncovered (and many times only their eyes). Strangers cross your way and say with a smile on their faces: " froid , huh?". And me? Simply loving it all.

Tschüß, Berlin!

     Exactly 368 days ago I arrived in Berlin and today I finish my days in this city that hosted me for a year .
     No. I won't miss the sad days, the difficulty to make friends, the emotional weight that has hurted in different ways and at various levels. I also will not miss the "bipolarity" that affects the population when the seasons change. Or the obligation that others impose to you to go to out on the streets simply because it's sunny .

     No. I will not miss the many tears shed and the pain that grieved my heart and tormented my thoughts for months. I will not also miss the darkness that came over me and the weight I carried on my shoulders for so long.
     But yes, I cry . I weep for what I wish it had been, what I wished I had lived, but that could not be.
     I understand the cycles of the universe and I believe that, just as in nature, in life also after winter comes spring. And my inner soil is fertile ground for its arrival. It was a long and dark winter.
    Berlin was a place where I learned a lot, especially about myself. Many strange things happened here, in every way. But also extremely good things. So... yes, will miss it.


     I will miss the silence of the city, the colored leaves covering the sidewalks during autumn, the slippery paths full of "stracciatella icecream" in winter. Yes, I will miss spring. The most exuberant, colorful and fragrant spring I have ever seen.
     I'll miss the tulips that sprout in unexpected places, dandelions covering every bit of green grass and turning everything into a yellow carpet, the thousands of wildflowers in a variety of colors and the most amazing perfumes. I'll miss the clouds of seeds being blown away, and the less fortunate seeds that instead of land to settle, cling into cotton and wool of the clothes of people passing by. The flowering balconies. The fresh wind when cutting short the way home through the many city parks and the many shades of green found in the trees, ivy and shrubs.
     I'll miss the sweet, soft and fragrant strawberries that melt in the mouth like little pieces of paradise . Raspberries and their exact measurement between sweet and tart . The dark and giant cherries. The "flat peaches" and their perfume.
   

     But what Berlin brought me that  was most important and special, was the opportunity to spend incredible days alongside more than important people in my life.


Berlin provided a historic reunion with two people who have a permanent place in my heart .






To be here, my mother overcame extremely difficult moments for her, and finally came up to the old "divided city" to rescue her German half. And tt was here that we met once again our soul brother.





I received more visits from my father than I expected.







Here a dear friend gave me the pleasure of seeing her a few times.



I had the privilege to introduce the city to the most amazing niece and goddaughter someone could have ask heaven for.








     Here I made a very good friend that, although we don't have a picture together, will always remain in my heart. And some friends with whom I had the pleasure to share funny Brazilian stories.

     So I finish one more cycle of life and from it let only the good times remain. Thanks to the nature and incredible lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life, I'll take those memories with me, and when I think of the time spent here, these are the moments that will come to mind. For the photographs of the heart, are the ones that really count. And now it's time for a new chapter.


(Text written in August 21st, 2013.)

Montreal or How to survive without roll-on deodorant

     After living one year in Berlin and move again to an unknown place, with another culture and another language, the comparison became inevitable. I know that every city has its own history, its own context but I still felt compelled to express such comparisons.

     Although Montreal has latitude farther south ( 45 ° 30'N ) than Berlin ( 52 ° 31'N ), the average temperature is lower . Perhaps this is due to Montreal being an island in the middle of the St. Lawrence River. Furthermore, Berlin has relatively low humidity and Montreal, on the contrary, is moist, so that the "feel like" sensation is, higher during the summer, and lower during the winter than the official temperature. But climatic and geographical issues are not so important at this time. What interests me is to tell a little about my experience so far.

   

 Montreal is a very interesting city, with neighborhoods that are totally different from each other to the point of thinking that they could be different cities. Where I live, for example, the residential neighborhood is filled with houses and buildings like mine: with two floors and an underground, where each floor is an apartment (or two on the second floor).

Photo: www.utexas.edu

But the most famous neighborhood in the city, the Plateau Mont - Royal, is characterized by low buildings with access to the second floor from the outside. This is perhaps the most famous image of Montreal: the former homes of factory workers with their stairways out directly on the sidewalk.
Now, the city center is a profusion of modern buildings mingling with ancient buildings and, right there, is McGill University's campus (or as the francophones say : Meguil).

   

Photo: en.wikipedia.org

One of the things that struck me when I first arrived but unfortunately in the wrong direction, was the noise of the city. Yes , I lived nine years in Rio de Janeiro which is quite a noisy city, but last year in Berlin made ​​me forget what that meant, since there, the city is so silent that doesn't even seem like a big city. Certainly not for american standards. On arrival in Montreal noise was definitely an unexpected surprise. Not only the noise of cars on the street, but in general. Discharges and hand dryers of public restrooms, buses, streets, and subway. Oh , the subway is deafening! Incidentally, the thing is an experience in itself: beyond the deafening noise, it has tires on cars (never seen that before), turns, goes upe and down (ok, I know that all probably do it, the difference is that here you can feel it all inside the wagon), and brakes . Ah! And how it brakes!!! Sometimes the braking is so strong that even scares people. And different from Berlin, the stations do not have elevators. If there it was necessary to put legs to work, here make sure they're in good shape 'cause you'll need them! Only four stations have elevators, all in the last stations of the orange line.

     Another thing that surprised me was the price of things. After living in a city relatively inexpensive, Montreal was scary. I do not know if I expected a standard pricing scheme like in the United States, that is also inexpensive, but certainly did not expect the values ​​found here. And just to remember, the price shown in the product is not the final total, because 15 % fee is added at the time of payment in the cashier. Ah! And for those who love cheese like me, the diversity of cheeses in Germany is to fill your eyes and keep the pocket almost intact. Here, the options are more limited, and the prices much higher. Goodbye oven camembert, I'll miss you!

     As a city of the " New World", the  automobile appeal is big, and bike lanes are rare. In downtown they are everywhere, but out of there the picture changes. You don't see much cyclist and few people use their bicycles as means of daily transport like in Berlin. That was one of the things I liked most about the German lands: power go everywhere by bike and feel safe knowing that no one would go over me with a car. But of course, there the culture of cycling is stronger than down here. There are bicycle rental initiatives, as the ones from Itaú in Rio, at the exit of each subway stations but the city lacks the infrastructure to make cycling an actual instrument of transportation and not just recreation.

     Another stark difference is Sunday. That's right: Sunday! While in Berlin everything closes and you don't even have a supermarket opened, here everything opens. The Montrealers stroll through the parks, go to the movies, the botanical garden, but also enjoy the day for shopping. In this sense it's very similar to the big cities of Brazil.

     Unlike what happens in northern Europe, one doesn't see so many people thrown in the lawns of the city on sunny days. Of course, there is always someone "lizarding" somewhere, but overall, not as many as in European parks. The most popular place I saw that happen was on campus, where people took advantage of the break between classes to warm up a little in the sun while the weather still allows it.

Centre Eaton
Photo: en.wikipedia.org

     One of the large advantages of Montreal is the "underground city": a network of passages beneath the downtown buildings interconnecting malls, galleries, theaters, offices and residential buildings, etc.. To get an idea, the underground city has 32km, 7 access to metro stations, two train stations, a regional bus station, and has over 120 entrances on the outside. For a city where winters can reach almost -40 º C, nothing better than being able to go from the subway directly to your destination without putting your nose out, huh?

Connection from the Place-des-Arts to the subway
Photo: en.wikipedia.org

     In all, Montreal is cool. The people are friendly and helpful, the services may not have the Germanic efficiency, but they work well and attend the population. The city is well taken care of and green with numerous parks for sightseeing. The fact that it holds four renowned universities and several colleges makes it a vibrant city with attractions for everyone. Coffeeshops spread around every corner and some are open 24 hours. For those who like that sort of program, like I do, the city is excellent!

     Yes, I know I should not have compared Montreal and Berlin, it is like comparing apples and oranges, but it is inevitable. After being used to living a certain way, it is impossible not to make comparisons. I try to restrict the comparisons to what surprises me the most, but I'm gradually adapting to the new life and leaving them aside.

     And the roll-on deodorant? Only two brands offer one scent in that format. Yeah ... complicated.