I have no idea where my life went wrong. I grew up being encouraged to do what I love, to follow my heart and be happy. And so I did.
I kept looking for "normal" jobs and either never heard back from sending resumes, or got interviews where the reason not to be hired was "oh, but you're over qualified for this job". That's what bad paying jobs used to give as an excuse not to hire me. Funny enough, those positions with a reasonable pay used to say "oh, but you don't have experience". How in hell is someone expected to gain experience if they're never given a chance to start with? Tragic funny, but it was like that since my first interview when I was 17 years old.
Meanwhile, for 18 years I pursued acting, my biggest passion, the only thing I ever wanted to do in life career wise. As for the great majority of actors out there, it didn't come out as expected. One of the worse decisions in my life was when it finally sank in that I would need a plan B.
A plan B. I never had a plan B. So I studied to be a tour guide. What could be more interesting than to have together history and traveling, two of my biggest interests? Got a job as soon as I graduated from the course and did pretty well as an international tour guide specialized in the Orlando amusement parks. The only downside, it didn't pay enough and the work was seasonal. So, no chances of paying my bills there.
So, in my early thirties I went to college, got a degree in History, which is something I really enjoy (and made my father super happy).
At this point in my life I was dating the most incredible person I have met so far. We had a pretty good relationship that had some down moments and, for some reason that even today I can't really understand, I didn't fight for the relationship and gave in to my darkest thoughts and we broke up. So, yeah, another feeling of failure when "the one" got away and it was all my fault.
I got so lost after the breakup that I spent months being someone completely different. I would go out and get wasted (and I was never a big drinker), went out partying from Monday to Monday and I even smoke cigarettes (which I hate!). I was feeling completely lost, as if the ground had fallen under my feet. I knew the rational reasons for the breakup but couldn't understand why I didn't fight to stay together. To this day I regret it, but well, time passes, people move on, and I remained alone.
Feeling lost and a loser, I finally graduated from college at 34. Now I had a degree and was sure that no one would use that as an excuse not to hire me. Again came the "you don't have experience" crap when the competition was 18 and didn't even have life experience.
Already in my mid thirties and freaking out as I was still unable to pay my bills and my father was still supporting me 100%. I have had always the will to get out of his shoulders and did my best to, but somehow it never worked out. I always had temporary or sporadic jobs, which always paid badly and weren't even enough to support one month of bills. At this point, my feeling of failure in life was already high.
Speaking two languages fluently and a third one in advanced stage of learning, I decided to give life abroad a try. I learned a new language, enough to get by but not enough to work. Followed my heart and went to live near the person I thought I had fallen for but in the end, it was just a physical representation of a dream that I had: meeting a foreigner, getting married and start a family abroad. Needless to say that it not only didn't work out, but it turned out to be a nightmare. A nightmare that took me over two years to recuperate from. The things I went through with that person were so heavy that left very deep scars.
I moved away again to pursue a Masters of Arts in History in a very well regarded university. But I was still dark inside. During those two dark years, I closed myself up. I didn't want to meet anyone, I was scared. I had social anxiety. I forced myself to go to McGill gathers to make friends and open up, see if I stopped feeling so lonely. Needless to say that it didn't work out very well. Thank goodness I made two good friends there with whom I keep in touch and it's always so great when we can get together. Here I also learned another language, my fifth, not yet fluent but working on improving it.
After the Masters I finally got a job. The only job that hired me even though I sent tons of cover letters and resumes. I'm way over qualified for this job, that's for sure. It pays really badly, but for the first time in my life even with a low wage job, I've managed to pay my bills without needing to ask my father for help. That makes me extremely happy! The other good thing that this job brought was the colleagues. Every single person that works there is so nice, warm and loving, and they are the sole reason to stay there. It took me a while to open up to them too, I admit. I was still trying to get out of the dark place I was in.
When I'm finally opening up and going out with people from work, having fun with them and trying to make deeper connections, Petruchio (my furry baby) is diagnosed with an incurable disease and his health declines very quickly. For over 4 years Petruchio and Sophia have been my only company, and now he's on his way to become a little star.
However, as life insists in make no sense, since 2012 I've been alone (when it comes to human company). During these past 4 (almost 5) years, I have seen basically 99,9% of my friends getting married and starting families. I see my nieces and nephews growing up. See "the one" happily married (and how she deserves to be happy!). And I look in the mirror and only see lines in my face getting stronger, grey hair appearing, the passing of time in its most recognizable way. And I remember that I did not make a pact with life to grow old alone.
I see my cousin with the life I always dreamed of. I see friends with successful careers and well structured lives where everything seems to come into place without so much effort or so much pain. And I can't help but think that there must be something wrong with me. I'm a good person, with a big heart and so much love to give, but I'm knocking on 40's door and still alone. Completely alone for over 4 years right at the age when everyone is getting married or already have their families. I'm extremely capable, I learn fast and every job I had all my superiors only had good things to say about me, I speak 2 languages fluently and can make myself understood in other 3, I'm intelligent, I have the socially requested university degrees, and yet, I don't get a decent paying job nor a not-so-decent-paying-job in my areas of biggest interest.
It is very hard not to feel as a loser, not to think that I'm a failure and a disappointment to those around me. It's been so many years that I started losing hope of someday things working out well. It is extremely hard to accept that the most romantic of all the cousins, I'm the one still single, childless and alone.
I still follow my heart and I've been trying to find meaning in all of it, trying to understand, but nothing makes sense. It makes no sense why I haven't achieved any sort of financial stability at 39, it makes no sense that I'm alone for so long when I have and still am putting myself out there. And as Murphy seems to have taken me for his bride, when I need them the most, my furry baby is going through his last weeks of life.
Definitely life makes absolutely no sense.
