The crowd

 Every day, on my way to work, I see all those people on the bus, in the subway and I feel like a number. Just another number. A sad number. Just another one in a group of people that repeat the same day over and over: wake up at the same time, have the same (or almost the same) breakfast, get dressed, and head to work where the same endless tasks will be repeated hour after hour while dreaming of the time they get to go home again and of the weekend ahead unaware that each and every one of those tediously unhappy days is a day in life that will never come back.

I’m part of this crowd with tired and sad eyes on a Monday morning, but my mind never stops wondering about how can people go on repeating endlessly something that doesn’t make them happy? How and what can I do to change my days and not fall into this same sad path my entire life? 

Source: BBC

The crowd moves slowly, in the same pace, even their breaths seem to follow the same anxious and hopeless rhythm. No smiles board the morning train, only serious sleepy faces staring into the void. I don't want to follow the crowd.

We grow up being told to do what we love, but what if what we love doesn’t open doors? What if all the time, effort, tears and joy you put on your dreams, didn't unlock any doors? Eventually you end up in the crowd, this sad Monday crowd. 

How did we get here? How and when did society become this pleasure-less repetition of boring tasks? When did we forget to enjoy ourselves? To enjoy each day? But most importantly, how do we get out of this meaningless existence?

The longer we stay in a job position, the harder it is to get out of it. Not because we don’t want to, but because others will only see the last and longest experience we had. What do to do when you fall into a field you never even thought of, in a job that for you is meaningless? It pays the bills, ok, but is that what life is all about? I, for one, refuse to accept that. But how to change it when you don't know what to do, where to go and how to get there? When you feel completely lost knowing that your career dreams can no longer be? How to change directions when all connections you've been making in this field don't know your potential, don't know your background or even your level of education to be able to refer you to something else, to something better suited to you? 

Source: DeviantArt - Amandine Van Ray

If anyone out there knows the answer for these questions, don't feel shy to come forward, to give tips, to pass along your knowledge on how we can change things. Everyone deserves the chance to wake up to a life that they love, to work in something that fulfills them, to be happy. Sometimes all we need is an outside look to see different perspectives, different paths. It's never too late to climb that mountain and sometimes, all we need is a little push.

When life makes no sense

 

I have no idea where my life went wrong. I grew up being encouraged to do what I love, to follow my heart and be happy. And so I did.

I kept looking for "normal" jobs and either never heard back from sending resumes, or got interviews where the reason not to be hired was "oh, but you're over qualified for this job". That's what bad paying jobs used to give as an excuse not to hire me. Funny enough, those positions with a reasonable pay used to say "oh, but you don't have experience". How in hell is someone expected to gain experience if they're never given a chance to start with? Tragic funny, but it was like that since my first interview when I was 17 years old. 

Meanwhile, for 18 years I pursued acting, my biggest passion, the only thing I ever wanted to do in life career wise. As for the great majority of actors out there, it didn't come out as expected. One of the worse decisions in my life was when it finally sank in that I would need a plan B.

A plan B. I never had a plan B. So I studied to be a tour guide. What could be more interesting than to have together history and traveling, two of my biggest interests? Got a job as soon as I graduated from the course and did pretty well as an international tour guide specialized in the Orlando amusement parks. The only downside, it didn't pay enough and the work was seasonal. So, no chances of paying my bills there.

So, in my early thirties I went to college, got a degree in History, which is something I really enjoy (and made my father super happy).

At this point in my life I was dating the most incredible person I have met so far. We had a pretty good relationship that had some down moments and, for some reason that even today I can't really understand, I didn't fight for the relationship and gave in to my darkest thoughts and we broke up. So, yeah, another feeling of failure when "the one" got away and it was all my fault. 

I got so lost after the breakup that I spent months being someone completely different. I would go out and get wasted (and I was never a big drinker), went out partying from Monday to Monday and I even smoke cigarettes (which I hate!). I was feeling completely lost, as if the ground had fallen under my feet. I knew the rational reasons for the breakup but couldn't understand why I didn't fight to stay together. To this day I regret it, but well, time passes, people move on, and I remained alone.

Feeling lost and a loser, I finally graduated from college at 34. Now I had a degree and was sure that no one would use that as an excuse not to hire me. Again came the "you don't have experience" crap when the competition was 18 and didn't even have life experience.

Already in my mid thirties and freaking out as I was still unable to pay my bills and my father was still supporting me 100%. I have had always the will to get out of his shoulders and did my best to, but somehow it never worked out. I always had temporary or sporadic jobs, which always paid badly and weren't even enough to support one month of bills. At this point, my feeling of failure in life was already high.

Speaking two languages fluently and a third one in advanced stage of learning, I decided to give life abroad a try. I learned a new language, enough to get by but not enough to work. Followed my heart and went to live near the person I thought I had fallen for but in the end, it was just a physical representation of a dream that I had: meeting a foreigner, getting married and start a family abroad. Needless to say that it not only didn't work out, but it turned out to be a nightmare. A nightmare that took me over two years to recuperate from. The things I went through with that person were so heavy that left very deep scars.

I moved away again to pursue a Masters of Arts in History in a very well regarded university. But I was still dark inside. During those two dark years, I closed myself up. I didn't want to meet anyone, I was scared. I had social anxiety. I forced myself to go to McGill gathers to make friends and open up, see if I stopped feeling so lonely. Needless to say that it didn't work out very well. Thank goodness I made two good friends there with whom I keep in touch and it's always so great when we can get together. Here I also learned another language, my fifth, not yet fluent but working on improving it.

After the Masters I finally got a job. The only job that hired me even though I sent tons of cover letters and resumes. I'm way over qualified for this job, that's for sure. It pays really badly, but for the first time in my life even with a low wage job, I've managed to pay my bills without needing to ask my father for help. That makes me extremely happy! The other good thing that this job brought was the colleagues. Every single person that works there is so nice, warm and loving, and they are the sole reason to stay there. It took me a while to open up to them too, I admit. I was still trying to get out of the dark place I was in.

When I'm finally opening up and going out with people from work, having fun with them and trying to make deeper connections, Petruchio (my furry baby) is diagnosed with an incurable disease and his health declines very quickly. For over 4 years Petruchio and Sophia have been my only company, and now he's on his way to become a little star.

However, as life insists in make no sense, since 2012 I've been alone (when it comes to human company). During these past 4 (almost 5) years, I have seen basically 99,9% of my friends getting married and starting families. I see my nieces and nephews growing up. See "the one" happily married (and how she deserves to be happy!). And I look in the mirror and only see lines in my face getting stronger, grey hair appearing, the passing of time in its most recognizable way. And I remember that I did not make a pact with life to grow old alone.

I see my cousin with the life I always dreamed of. I see friends with successful careers and well structured lives where everything seems to come into place without so much effort or so much pain. And I can't help but think that there must be something wrong with me. I'm a good person, with a big heart and so much love to give, but I'm knocking on 40's door and still alone. Completely alone for over 4 years right at the age when everyone is getting married or already have their families. I'm extremely capable, I learn fast and every job I had all my superiors only had good things to say about me, I speak 2 languages fluently and can make myself understood in other 3, I'm intelligent, I have the socially requested university degrees, and yet, I don't get a decent paying job nor a not-so-decent-paying-job in my areas of biggest interest.

It is very hard not to feel as a loser, not to think that I'm a failure and a disappointment to those around me. It's been so many years that I started losing hope of someday things working out well. It is extremely hard to accept that the most romantic of all the cousins, I'm the one still single, childless and alone.

I still follow my heart and I've been trying to find meaning in all of it, trying to understand, but nothing makes sense. It makes no sense why I haven't achieved any sort of financial stability at 39, it makes no sense that I'm alone for so long when I have and still am putting myself out there. And as Murphy seems to have taken me for his bride, when I need them the most, my furry baby is going through his last weeks of life.

Definitely life makes absolutely no sense.

Singletonshire after 30

Navigating the streets of Singletonshire is not an easy task. Doing that for years, to be honest, is tiring and boring. Everybody knows that love does not wait in every corner and as we grow older, we realize that things need more effort to work out well. What no one ever tells us is how much more effort it takes! I've always had the impression that in our Balzac-years it would be easier to find someone since one of the good things of growing older is knowing exactly what we don't want in a relationship. But I've never thought that we would construct so many barriers: be it age, tiny appearance details, finances, kids from previous relationships, geographic distance, you name it.

I was never someone who connects easily with others. Few people have interested me and I find really hard to find someone with whom to connect in a deeper level, someone that I can talk about anything, who makes me laugh, who's got a witty (and sometimes sarcastic) kind of humor. When someone like that finally appears, I do not measure efforts to be with that person. In my mind and heart there are no obstacles to keep me from being with that hard to come by special person.

Being an old fashioned romantic, I'm predisposed to overcome lots of seemingly difficult obstacles in the name of love and I have no problem in being the only one making the effort when the other person is incapable of for whatever reason. Sometimes it does not come out as planned, but other times it is better than expected. All I know is that I'm willing to take the next step, to put myself out there and make all the effort necessary for things to work out for the best. I have always been self-giving with my friends, it's no wonder I would go even further out for that special someone.

Love life for a single women in her late thirties is already difficult, for a gay woman it seems to be even harder. The stereotype of a lesbian relationship is that the women involved move in together on the second date. Of course, just like all stereotypes it's not that accurate, but in this case it's also not so far from the truth. What I mean is: as a group we women tend to want long term relationships and we dream of marriage/living together. So, it's only natural that when two women come together, that next step is taken a bit faster than with a guy. What makes things even trickier for a single lesbian in her late 30's is that most women in this age group are already in a committed relationship. But why am I saying all this? It's just another way of illustrating the difficulties of "Singletonshire" for women over 30.

It is very easy to start wondering if you're the last single person on Earth when all your friends are either married or in long-term relationships. Of course, it doesn't make things easier to have friends and family asking those dreadful questions such as "how's love life?", or making those even worse comparisons "you know Jane Doe was in the same situation as you and found her other half in the supermarket aisle". What about those comments about "a friend" who's in her late thirties and haven't got married yet that come with the sentence (and it's variations) "she's our age but she's still single, there must be something wrong with her." With pressure from family and friends who have already found their "someone", you might even get caught up in the terrible thought that something may be wrong with you when you know, in fact, that there isn't. It's just life.

As I navigate these waters, I find that the size of the difficulties are just as big as we make them. For some the geographic distance seems impossible, a huge deal, for others it can be an exciting challenge. But these "difficulties" are only as big and heavy as the size and weight we put on them. If you finally found someone with whom you feel good with, shouldn't you just take the next step and allow yourself to experience what could be the relationship you were always looking for?

Remember teenage years? It used to be so easy to find someone and let that new person in, but life was much simpler. We were still figuring out who we were. Near my forties, I feel like the older we get, the more of a world we become with our ways, likes and dislikes. It's difficult to open up completely to someone and let them into our world, our private space, so we focus on small "setbacks" instead of looking to the big picture. Seriously, take time to really think about the big picture and you will see that these "difficulties" are, actually, tiny.

Finding someone with whom to really connect is hard enough and we shouldn't create even more obstacles in our minds when we finally meet the person who will interest both our mind and heart. We shouldn't create even more difficulties to keep us from being with that special someone. In our late thirties we all have had good and bad experiences, easy and difficult closures, we all have scars, anxieties, fears. All things that can block us from finding happiness with someone new. But we also have lots of love, tenderness, and kindness to share with that one person who will bring a smile to our days, who will make our days even better. We are all longing for a chance to love and to be loved. So, why do we create stupid obstacles? We are not teenagers anymore which means that only physical attraction does not suffice, sometimes it comes after you got to know someone better instead of being the first thing that pops out when meet them.

Bottom line is: why don't we just allow ourselves to follow our hearts, take all those self-created obstacles out of the way and embrace the opportunity to be happy? What are we waiting for? Life rarely (if ever!) brings us exactly what we are looking for, so why do we keep on looking for someone who will fit perfectly the image we made of our ideal partner? Remember, none of us is perfect and we never will be. As hard as it is for a single woman approaching forty, I still have the strength to face the prejudice and the hardship of being alone in an age group where everyone else seems to come in pairs, and I will keep navigating the streets of Singletonshire with an open heart, ready to follow it as soon as butterflies start to tickle my stomach.

Bridget Jones' Diary - Universal Studios 2001

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PS: To all those "happily married/living together/in a long-term relationship reading this, do us singles a favor and stop asking when we will settle down  with someone. These things do not depend on only one person. If one doesn't want it, two don't get together, or have you forgotten all your years of being single just because you found someone earlier than we did? ;)

Why do we fear change?

Do you ever get the feeling that we are afraid of life? Lately I have been thinking a lot about how we humans are so scared of the unknown. Doesn't matter if it's in our professional or personal lives, changes have scared us since the dawn of time. Just take a look back in History: not everyone would sail the ocean looking for a new world, but all have enjoyed what the new lands brought; not everyone would go and protest on the streets against war, but everyone is happy when a war is over.

"We attract what we are ready for." Sometimes I think that this is one of the most correct sayings I've ever heard. What bugs me the most, though, is that when something or someone new comes our way, we always find excuses to get out of it, to fight the change. Suddenly, that job you never liked "develops" many positive sides; that person who broke your heart doesn't seem so bad; the noisy neighborhood you live in is nothing but "lively". We tend to hold on to how things used to be and come up with all kinds of excuses not to face the fact that life is bringing us something new, another experience to help us grow. How many times have we faced a change, which we didn't want at first, but then it turned out to be one of the best times of our lives? So, why are we still afraid of it?

We tend to disguise our fears as a search for perfection. "Oh, that house is nice, but there's no garden." "That girl/guy is attractive, intelligent and successful, but doesn't have blue eyes." "The job is good, salary is great, but it'll take 20 minutes longer to get there everyday." Just a few (and very silly) examples, but we can all relate to something like that. That other job could be much more fulfilling; that small garden could be just perfect; that new person could turn out to be the love of your life. But instead of going for it, we keep looking for perfection when, in fact, we are completely afraid of changing the life to which we have become accustomed to.

I've heard so many times "you're so brave, you leave everything behind and go for what you're dreaming of. You follow your heart." To be honest, I don't think that has anything to do with being brave, just with being happy, with going after what makes my heart smile. Yes, I have acted impulsively and have faced good and not so good consequences, but would I do it again? Hell, yeah! Life is too short not to be lived. Too short not to follow our hearts and be stuck in the illogical fear of "what ifs". Do I have any regrets of all my decisions? No, none. And that's how I plan on continuing living life: following my heart. After all, what really matters in life isn't it love?

So, stop rationalizing, get out of your comfort zone and don't be afraid of what life brings. Be an explorer and discover a new world! If you were not ready to receive that promotion, to change places, to start a new relationship, life would not have delivered these possibilities to you.

That's my Christmas wish for all of you: open your inner gate and life will be much brighter.

Thomas Kinkade - The Open Gate

Closure

Closure:
the state of experiencing an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event.

Have you ever heard of people that have unfinished emotions in relationships? Well, I have, many times. Not only have I heard, but experienced it.

Sometimes what we feel for someone is so strong, or deeply rooted inside that it's difficult to completely let go of it. If the experience lived was somehow hard and complicated, some people are able to move on right away, others will feel as if their hearts were closed. It can take time to heal. Hours become days, days become months, and maybe, months will turn into years.

We never really know what's going to make us have the feeling of closure because usually we don't even realize that we need it. Since we keep on going with life, working, having coffee with friends, running the everyday errands, most of the time we can't see that our hearts are still closed. The brain might say otherwise, but it doesn't control our hearts and if our hearts feel closed, they need their own time to re-open.

Time heals everything, that's true, but sometimes it takes too long. Little by little your heart starts to open again and light is finally allowed in. Other times, this process is already taking place but very slowly and then, suddenly, you feel lighter and happier. It could have been from a dream that gave you the sense of closure, it could be from writing down all your deepest feelings, it could be from a friendship born from the love that once existed between the two people involved.

The fact is that, when your heart finally gets the closure it was waiting for, you feel lighter, happier, and free. Life's colors become more vivid, daily tasks are easier, nature's splendor is restored to its full beauty, and you're finally able to get completely rid of the bad memories and keep only the good ones. Life is once again, complete.

Let's welcome this feeling, embrace it, and feel lighter knowing that happiness has, once again, opened its doors to us.

Image: Shawshank Redemption - Castle Rock Entertainment - 1994

Life is but a cycle

My grandfather used to say that life is but a cycle, with nothing before or after, only the here and now. He was a very practical and wise person. Maybe he was right or perhaps he was wrong and we'll see each other again someday. That's what I believe in.

Last Thursday it was my Grandma's time to meet those loved ones who already crossed the road.

My grandmother was an amazing woman. She challenged the conventions of her youth's time sneaking out to go play volleyball hidden from my grandfather. But she was also a strong example of her generation. She loved her two daughters with all her heart. She struggled to give them the best education. She loved her four granddaughters with the same strength and devotion. She became a great-grandmother with the same dedication, even from afar. She took care of everyone around her. Whenever someone came to her for help, there she was with arms (and doors) open. There was no lack of love. Never. It was possible to see it in her eyes.

My grandmother was fragrant. She left the bathroom and the whole house stayed perfumed. Her skin held the scent so strongly like I never saw in anyone else. And her amazing perfume hung in the air for hours.

She loved gardening, knitted the most beautiful sweaters and jackets, made the best "streusel cakes".

Whenever we went to spend the summer with her, we were greeted with the most genuine smile and a house full of delights: chocolate bars, pasta, cookies, lasagnas, pies biscuits, and a freezer full of ice cream, everything made by her . Her delights were so disputed that, at dessert time, due to the fight over the size of the slices, my grandfather got annoyed and said to "bring the measuring tape," so that there wouldn't be any difference between the slices.

In winter, when we it was only the two of us and we were already cozy in our warm beds, she used to ask me with a mischievous look: "How about some pudding?", And went down stairs to prepare the delight in the cold kitchen.

The mischievous look was always there when it came to desserts or gifts she was preparing to someone. As well as biting the tip of her tongue. Trademarks of my grandma.

She didn't like watermelons. She grew up with stories that watermelon kills people, and so she didn't eat it. After years married to a German guy who loved watermelons, and seeing all of us eating it in the backyard during the hot summer afternoons, she was still unwilling to even try. She didn't like melted ice cream. If it was just beginning to melt, she already thought it was too soft.

She loved coffee with milk and bread. She reveled in a slice of bread with butter and honey, and a cup of coffee with hot milk. Yes, it had to be very hot. She had a very sweet tooth: she loved pies, desserts, chocolate bars (which she ate gnawing like a bunny).

On cold winter mornings, she would open the windows and let the cold air in to ventilate the house. She put pillows and blankets in the sun and went down stairs to prepare breakfast. Only after everything was ready she would come to wake me up. When I said that she didn't need to pamper me like that, she replied that grandmas are made to pamper their grandchildren and said, "I am your mom made of sugar."

When, on my fifteenth birthday, I came back from a trip bringing in the suitcase a stuffed dog wearing an overall, she liked it so much that I ended up giving the dog to her as a gift. Until then, I had never seen her take an interest in stuffed animals. Many years later, she would have several.

She was always singing. One of her greatest passions: music. She had a beautiful voice that graced all who had the privilege of listening to her. She loved Pavarotti and got emotional with his interpretations.

She loved the Italian characters interpreted by the actor Raul Cortez.

Later in life she had her precious memories stolen, taken against her will. She went back to being a child: she loved dolls and stuffed animals. She continued to revel in desserts and coffee with milk for some time. Her passion, the music, was the last thing to leave her. She didn't know the lyrics anymore, but for some time she still recognized the melodies. Gradually everything went away. She didn't deserve it. She was endearing to the end, even in her world without memories. But forgetting us or not, I know very well who she was and she'll always remain in my heart. She deserved all the affection, love and respect with which she treated all who crossed her path.

Now she's free. Freed from the fetters of time, from oblivion, from pain. She can finally rest from her years in "blank".

Here remain her lessons of life, kindness, love. With her I learned to appreciate the little things in life, the delicacy of nature, to see happiness in small things. I learned the true meaning of joy every day, of support and respect for others.

During her stay in this world, she made it better, prettier, cozier. The cycle is closed. And what a wonderful cycle it was.

Thank you, grandma, for all the love you gave. For all the warmth that you always showed. For all the care you had with those you loved. Your love made all of us better people.

Now fly, fly free and happy. Meet again your German, your brothers and friends, your parents. You shall always be present in our hearts

Be at peace, my mommy made of sugar, be at peace.

The "Bridget Jones' moments" saga

Bridget Jones Diary - Universal Pictures, 2001

"Why is that so many unmarried women in their 30s these days, Bridget?"   

     Lately I have been living many "Bridget Jones" moments, with the difference that I'm already older than she is in the first book, which only makes these moments even  more awkward. One of these days, someone who recently met me (and with whom I never had any conversation about my private life) suddenly asked: "so, the reason you're single is because you only met bad people in your life?". Let's be clear: the question was solely based on the fact that I'm 37years old, single and without kids (because in the person's way of thinking, somehow, having kids means you found someone "good" at some point. Aham...). Without giving much consideration to the reply since I was caught off guard and I couldn't believe my ears, my immediate response was "no, that's not it". Was this this question for real?

     The days passed and I kept wondering why do people assume that if you're single is because you only met jerks? It made me think about the few people in my life with whom I had a relationship and I'm glad to say that I have been, basically, "jerk free". I haven't had many relationships in life: only two short lived and two that lasted for some years. Of course all of them had their ups and downs, but all of them left good memories, even the most difficult of them had good moments and those are the ones worth cherishing.

     Everyone has their own issues, I certainly have mine. Relationships have their own issues, and it's only natural to try to work them out. Some are easier, some are harder; over time, some can become easier, others more difficult, that's just how life is. I would never blame the other part for being single in my late 30s. 

     I had two wonderful relationships, if none of them progress further and end up in marriage is because it was not the right moment, but it never meant that it was because the other person was bad. Relationships are two way streets and I was lucky to meet some incredible and unforgettable people that will be forever in my heart. 

     So, my answer for that weird question is: I'm single because I am. Life doesn't always happens according to our plans, more often than not it's exactly the opposite, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy. My happiness is not conditioned to being in a relationship, but in being in peace with who I am. And, if someday, someone comes along and the relationship progresses to marriage and family, yes, it will be nice, but it will not be "the" sole factor of happiness in my life, it will simply be an addition to what is already good.

 

Bridget Jones Edge of Reason - Universal Pictures, 2004

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xqcdfv_smug-married-couples-from-bridget-jones-s-diary-2001_shortfilms